Yes, I am a clumsy girl.
Clumsy physically.
Ask my parents. I was enrolled in ballet at an early age. Not so that I could become a beautiful dancer, but rather as my mother put it, “to learn to not trip over my own two feet.”
Ask my friends. My dancing style is an entertaining blend of Elaine (from Seinfeld) and Whitney Houston. Let's just say that the ballet lessons had limited success. I haven't had the nerve to take a Zumba class yet, but I'm pretty sure the following pic would be pretty accurate:
Ask my husband. During the week before our wedding I literally drove my bicycle into a concrete lamp post and almost broke my shoulder. The poor man has been witness to my many mis-steps and falls over the years. Now mind you, I am not afraid of my clumsiness even though I probably should be. I'm actually kind of an mild adrenaline junkie and this terrifies my husband! My husband’s favorite thing to say to me as I climb on top of things to accomplish certain tasks, “why don’t you make sure that the (fill in the blank) you’re standing on has wheels...Jesus Christ Lorie, you make me crazy!” I love this man!
Clumsy socially.
I was the awkward girl in school. The one who usually felt like a fish out of water. I don’t mean to imply that I was a weird, unsociable loner. I wasn’t. I was more like the girl who was just uncomfortable in her own skin. I had girl friends. I had boyfriends. Actually, I always had a boyfriend. Reflecting back to that young woman, I settled into relationships because they were comfortable. I think that I felt less clumsy with a built in side kick.
The task of simply walking into a party was something I dreaded. I felt clumsy. I can’t explain it and honestly, I’m pretty certain that no one other than me was aware of how I felt. I didn’t “look” clumsy. I was pretty. I was smart. I dressed well.
Clumsy professionally.
I limited myself. Period. There were courses I didn’t take, positions that I couldn’t excel in because of my fear of public speaking. I had serious insecurities with being the center of attention, even for a short period of time. The idea of taking a public speaking class was something I could not even consider.
Clumsy in my spirituality.
I was raised Baptist like my mother. My father is a non-practicing Catholic. Organized religion never felt right to me, even as a child. I participated in church activities growing up and clumsily tried to fit in. It didn’t work. Dogma was uncomfortable and didn't resonate as I tried to figure out who I was. As I matured into adulthood I subconsciously avoided religion and spirituality. It just felt easier.
So this is me. Bare. Exposed.
Are you still reading? Can you relate at all?
This is where the clumsy girls journey towards grace comes in.
It was a completely subconscious journey in the beginning.
It was more like I began to embrace the things that made me unique and to see those things as just part of who I am. To lose the need to hide or cover my perceived flaws. To lose the need to always be right as a deflection tool. To learn to simply listen to my heart and allow it to become my compass.
And things starting happening.
The universe complied with my subconscious request and situations and people starting showing up for me. It was magical.
Over time everything changed.
I became keenly aware that during my most clumsy and awkward times I wasn’t being true to myself. I was trying to conform to what was expected of me. That was an important revelation.
What I had been doing professionally for my entire adult life changed. Was it scary? Of course. Did it feel right? I can’t describe exactly just how right it felt.
I remember the day that I found out what a doula was and by the time my husband came home from work I had already enrolled in a certification training. I took the course, set my path and literally all of the stones fell into place effortlessly. It didn’t feel clumsy at all. I felt confident and graceful.
I have had the honor of working with over 500 families during this most special time and honestly it is in doing this “work” that I feel the most humbled and full of grace. My awkwardness with religion vanishes. How can participating in the birth of a baby not be the most incredibly spiritual experience in the universe. I am one with God in that moment and humbled by the sheer magic and mystery. I have learned that I don’t need a minister or dogma to define spirituality for me. Love is my religion. This feels right to me.
It is in doing my birth work that my awkwardness with public speaking diminishes. I am so passionate about birth and the respect for babies that my clumsiness for the most part, vanishes. Will I ever be a motivational speaker. Probably not. Do I enjoy speaking in front of an audience or walking into a party alone? No, but I don’t feel inept or terribly clumsy. That’s huge for me. Seriously. It’s huge!
Grace is coming. I’m loving the journey and the incredible people who continue to show up for me.
In September of 2013, I will turn 50. I never thought I would say that I’m looking forward to that particular milestone, but I am. With maturity comes wisdom and the ability to lose the need to conform to an external expectation. With wisdom is the opportunity for grace. Maybe I WILL become that public speaker or dancer after all. I’m open to the invitation.
As I continue my journey, my blog will be filled with experiences involving my family, travel and birth work. I know that I am still just a slightly less-clumsy girl seeking grace and it feels sweet to finally embrace that!
